I have the unique challenge of working in a field that exposes me and therefore part of my life to my work world. Since 2004 I’ve worked at LGBT organizations, non profits and universities, now around the country, giving workshops on dating, sex, relationships, etc etc.. To date moving through all of the organizations, big and small, I’ve workshopped live and Skype tens of thousands of folk.
In 2009 my cable TV show started here in Manhattan and gets Live Streamed around the world to roughly 2 million people if you count the City, my friends, followers, website, blog, groups and email list. Then in 2013 we started a partnership to publish books domestically and internationally and that’s been going so well that we keep experimenting with a newsletter.
I say all of that to say I’ve been personally “out” since 18 and professionally for 15+ so it affects and effects my dating life. I have met every type and know every type, so though I always have my professional face on I have narrowed down my Top 3 though in an attempt at maturity, I have resigned that I might get 2 out of 3, never to settle for only 1 and to honest with myself about the Top 3.
1. Butt
I have systematically checked out the ass of probably 95% of every human, animal and statue I’ve come in contact with for well over 20 years. Dating man or woman wise, I am a connoisseur—-thoughtful, appreciative, questioning and occasionally applying a level of visual acuity that makes judging eventually Butt Events at the Olympics in my senior years a possibility.
The skinny jean, the baggy jean and now, Dear God save us—the Diaper Dump sag are verboten.
Skinny jeans I feel enters into manbitch arena. Yeah, I said it. I mean this not as a femininity sleight but as a nuthugger, high water issue. From an aesthetic POV, even yes, a fashion judgment, this is right up there with women in leggings. Another, outside of the gym atrocity. It offers, answers too much. I like some mystery, a splash of having to surreptitiously study it for a moment or two. I don’t want to see a news cycle CNN style of All Ass, All Day. I want to see decolletage.
While one would think on the surface or due to the enhancement of the surface area, I would appreciate the skinny jeans—-it, like my Spanx—— are deceptive. It suggests an ample, well formed, can stand alone ass but does not pay through. The bunching at the knees and now the combo horror of the skinny and Diaper Dump? Ugh.
I like to see roundness, perhaps a slight heft to my favorite spot, the small, the cleft in a man’s back. I’m looking for ass cheek separation. I’m considering am I seeing a walking bounce AND separation WITH lift? (The trifecta.) I’m exploring the width too. I’m not a sizeist but is there a spread? Too much? Or is there plenty, enough but not a skimpy diet helping? I’m thinking about summer shorts, underwear, my hand accidentally copping a feel on a theater seat, I’m think about the slight engorgement when hating to see him go but loving to watch him leave.
With class, sir. With an elan and a practiced elegance. I’m watching your ass and musing about….the possibilities.
2. Voice
This again can edge into a number of issues about femininity, again I have no issue with and have dated effeminate men, I tend to barely notice….because in many ways I see how every man expresses some feminine qualities…and that’s a wonderful thing. We need that in our relationship, not the absence of it. Only weak men think the absence is desirable.
But (pun!) I like a baritone voice, some bass, raspiness—-he could throw around girl and honey and Ms. Thing all day but as long as it’s not nasally, I”m turned on. I like a voice that comes from the diaphragm, the has some bellow to it, some depth.
There was this one guy in undergrad who leaned over to me and said, just out of nowhere, “Would you wake me up in bed for my morning classes or let me sleep?” I had never considered him anything but just a guy in class but his flirtation, his VOICE, made up for the fact that he had an ass that looked like a book. For years we were friends….because honestly, I had a slight Jonesing for his voice. It was deep, raspy, had a bass to it.
When I first heard Vin Diesel’s voice I almost lost a shoe. In person, his voice is just as deep, as resonant, as full. Lord have mercy. And again, he’s you know, not the best back action star. If you know what I mean….
Bruce Willis too. Sweet Jesus!
Adam Rodriguez. (To this day I can’t watch too much of any show or movie he’s in. I get….uncomfortable.)
I can’t watch too many of the above celebrities work because it edges into pornography for me. No, really.
This I would say though has racialized implication. Maybe it’s because of society, upbringing, milk, the air they breathe, the way they walk, the way their parents fucked——White guys tend to talk from their nose—-nasal, nasally, almost squawking—-ugh. More vanilla brothers have lost out to a chocolate or tea man with bass in my life just because of the squeak, the pitch.
This is how insane this is for me.
I was on the phone with…someone special. And he was cursing me out, nearly at the top of his lungs, just ripping into me, pissed in two languages, going for the jugular, my ear lobe and left shoulder. He was mad. Like slap a squirrel mad.
I was hard as a muthafuckah.
His voice!
Deep, resonant, raspy. Curse me out, baby, curse me the fuck out!
(It helped that he looked like Adam Rodriguez.)
To this day I’m not completely sure what he was saying, or meant, or if I were guilty, or if I changed, or if he did but we made up so it’s all good.
3. Intelligence
This is another one that has gone through some critical evolution over the years. I’m very intelligent and I’m smart. I’m highly educated. I enjoy school and education as both a profession and, to some degree, a hobby. It’s more often than not that I don’t find symmetry, absolute intellectual balance as others perceive it should be. But I enjoy someone who knows something, a lot about something, I don’t know about.
Tell me all of the depths and vagaries of carpentry, nuclear biology, not so much about pop culture—-that’s a little low brow, but opera, history, don’t assume my intelligence and being smart means that yours has to rival, compete or match me in my areas. I have friends and colleagues I can go talk to about educational science, teaching and psychology. Tell me in your deep voice how a car works, lean over in your jeans, and show me the carburetor.
(Ok, I know how cars work but I’m the kind of person who unless I have to do it, I’m completely comfortable watching/paying someone else to do manual labor. I once watched my mother, in the rain, change a tire, on the side of the Henry Hudson highway. I sat calmly in the car. I was 18. She did a bang up job.)
I accept that I am aging well and perhaps will date men 10+ years younger than me and our intellectual and wisdom levels will be different but his emotional, social and parenting skills are what’s important to me.
Those three are my Top 3.
My other big lesson that I learned several years ago from Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker, is the Pecker Rule.
“If your pecker likes him, you like him.”
I used to not screen dates as much. I used to think that oh, he’s nice on paper; he has a nice smile; he’s kind to dogs; he can lift things; he’s handsome; he’ll put my left toe in his mouth——I used to justify not having googly, stomach tumbling, nervous, blushing, ohmigod stop looking at me!, you hang up the phone first! silly princess feelings about a guy as “mature”.
Now I look for those and if he makes me hard. Hard as muthafuckah.
HARD. AS. A. MUTHAFUCKAH.
In passing. In an ambulance.Standing there. With his mother.Walking by. A murder scene.
The Only Pecker Questions
Do I want to fuck HIM?Do I maybe even want him to fuck ME?
Fuck.
Do I feel FUCK energy for THAT one….no, no, his brother. Yeah, THAT one.
I’ve often mitigated 1 of the 3 Top 3 as long as there was Fuck Energy.
(I typed in Google pics for “Fuck energy” this is what came up.
Yes, this is how I want my regions and brain to feel about a guy. Yes, I suppose this is as good a Pecker Pic as any.
I suppose.
I guess.
:/
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
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